emotions - Laura Giles, LCSW
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emotions

healing the shame of abuse

Healing the Shame of Abuse

Posted on April 16, 2023
in coping, emotions, trauma
by Laura
1 Comment

When it comes to healing the shame of abuse, the biggest hurdle is breaking through the idea that the abuse is somehow our fault. The experiencer seems to feel that they should have, and could have, prevented it. If they hadn't done this, or had done that, it wouldn't have happened. So, the abuse must be their fault. In this article, I will give you lots of ways to think about abuse in a different way. I hope that this will help you to begin healing the shame of abuse. Know That It's Not Your Fault The first thing to know is that the abuse is not your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. A naked woman lying in the street is not an invitation to rape. Leaving your keys in...

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Adverse childhood experiences

What’s My Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Score?

Posted on December 10, 2022
in coping, emotions, trauma
by Laura
0 Comments

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) score is based upon the answers to ten questions focused around childhood experiences. The assessment shows a relationship between traumatic childhood events and physical, social and emotional problems later in adulthood. This includes heart disease, diabetes, lung cancer, many autoimmune conditions, depression, violence, obesity, being a victim of domestic violence, as well as suicide. Additionally there are social risks such as higher rates of addiction, sexually transmitted diseases, multiple sexual partners, lack of health insurance, unemployment, less than a high school diploma, and lower income levels. A score of 4 or higher indicates a serious risk. While you can't change your past, you can take steps now to heal and to prevent another generation from enduring the same type of challenges that you had. Take the ACE Test Answer yes...

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goodness

Can Being Good be Toxic?

Posted on June 10, 2021
in emotions, relationship
by Laura
0 Comments

Is there such a thing as toxic goodness? Can being good be toxic? Isn't goodness universally, well, good? Anything that is out of balance can be harmful. Let's take a look at why your goodness hurts you. Everyone grows up in a family that shows them what is expected. When we behave outside of those rules, we can be shamed or punished. For example, if we share our toys, we are praised and given positive attention. If we don't, we might be scolded and corrected. Worse, we may be told we are being bad. Since we all have a desire to belong and no one wants to be negatively judged, we learn to toe the line. In addition to family rules, there are social rules that vary from place to place. For...

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healing toxic shame

How to Heal Toxic Shame

Posted on February 19, 2021
in coping, emotions, problem solving
by Laura
0 Comments

Shame happens when we perceive we have done something wrong and someone else witnesses it. Instead of seeing the behavior is wrong, we believe that we are wrong, bad, defective, unworthy, or don't deserve love. Unlike guilt, shame requires a witness to exist. For example, if I believe that stealing is wrong and take something that doesn't belong to me, I will feel guilty. I won't feel shame unless and until someone knows I've stolen. Toxic shame puts us in shadow. We forget, if we ever knew, that we're creative, brilliant, worthy, amazing, daring, trustworthy, good, sexy people. Nothing can convince us otherwise because when we look out into the world, all we see is proof of our depravity. Stop the Crisis The first step to healing from anything is to...

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what causes toxic shame

What Causes Toxic Shame?

Posted on February 18, 2021
in coping, emotions, trauma
by Laura
0 Comments

Sometimes I get clients who are really nice people, they seem honest, and really want to feel better, but they just don't budge. Almost always the underlying reason is toxic shame. They have a deep belief that they are bad, and they don't deserve to feel any better. That's utter nonsense, but thoughts are reality. And until they believe it, they can remain stuck. Everyone has a beautiful light inside. Sometimes we let poor choices overshadow it and we forget to let it shine. Or sometimes we grow up in invalidating environments and the people around us throw so much shade that we don't learn that it's there. Whatever the reason, we don't have to live with it. Every day is a new opportunity to have a different life. We just...

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Do You Suffer From Toxic Shame?

Posted on February 18, 2021
in emotions
by Laura
0 Comments

I've never had any client come into my office saying, "I suffer from toxic shame." In fact, a lot of people don't know what it is or that it's a problem. They think of it as something "normal" or "not a big deal." Toxic shame can keep you from living a vibrant, healthy life. So let's take a look at it. Guilt Is Not The Same Thing as Shame Guilt is the unpleasant feeling that happens when you don't live up to your values or other people's expectations. For example, if I like being perceived as reliable, and I say that I will do something and don't do it, I may feel guilty about it. If I want my mother to think well of me, and I forget all about her birthday,...

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stuck

Five Reasons You’re Stuck (And What To Do About It)

Posted on December 11, 2020
in coping, emotions, problem solving, relationship
by Laura
0 Comments

Are you spinning your wheels? Can't get any traction to move on? Here are five reasons why you're stuck that can help you get going again. Did You Feel Your Feelings? Sometimes people hit a rough patch and do the stiff upper lip thing. They pretend it didn't matter, it didn't hurt, and stuff it all inside. Maybe they even convince themselves that they have no feelings about it. Feelings want to move. They have to be expressed. When they are bottled up, it prevents us from feeling the hurt, but it also prevents us from feeling everything else. The only way to keep moving is to let yourself go through it. Feel it. Take your time. It will last as long as it lasts, but it does end. You may think...

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how to express anger

How To Express Anger in Healthy Ways

Posted on November 25, 2020
in coping, emotions
by Laura
0 Comments

Let's face it. Everybody gets angry sometimes. It's not a "bad" thing. It's a natural thing that alerts us when we feel our boundaries are being violated, we're not being seen or heard, or we sense that things are not fair. It's the juice that spurs us to action so we can make things right. When we express anger in healthy ways, it helps us to reach that goal. The problem is, anger has a bad rap. So many of us think that being angry is a sign that we're "bad" or out of control. Or maybe we're afraid to be angry because it will make other people not like us. Anger isn't the problem. Emotions are normal. However, the way that we express anger could be problematic. If our parents...

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hurts that never heal

Hope For Hurts That Never Heal

Posted on November 6, 2020
in coping, emotions, relationship, trauma
by Laura
0 Comments

"I'll always feel this pain" are words I hate to hear. They feel like the person is resigned to live with pain - like there is no hope. Guess what? There is hope for hurts that "never heal." When I see people who tell me they will never heal, there is one of two things going on: either they don't want to heal or they don't know how. I Don't Want to Heal Everybody is not ready to heal. Healing can feel like a scary place. If the emotional hurt came from a betrayal or death, healing might represent accepting life without that person. That can be too much to bear. If the pain came from a rape or domestic violence, healing could feel like giving the perpetrator a pass. Healing from the impact...

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