relationship - Laura Giles, LCSW

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relationship

Are There “Nice Narcissists?”

Posted on May 11, 2023

in relationship, trauma

by Laura

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What's a Narcissist? Does a nice narcissist exist? If you've read enough of my articles or listened to my podcast, you know that I am a stickler for definitions. Narcissism has become a generic term for any type of abusive relationship, so let me start with definitions so that we can be on the same page. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a cluster B personality disorder that involved a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. "Cluster B" symptoms include behaviors that are dramatic and exaggerated, emotional and intense, erratic and unpredictable. (Cluster A behaviors are eccentric, distrustful, and detached. Cluster C behaviors are anxious and fearful). While few people actually meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (only 1 in 200 people have NPD), lots of...

Beware of Narcissistic Pre-Stalking

Posted on March 25, 2023

in problem solving, relationship, trauma

by Laura

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If you are, or have been, in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have experienced stalking after the breakup. Lots of people know about this. But did you know that there is also narcissistic pre-stalking? Yep. What's Narcissistic Pre-Stalking? It's common for someone with narcissistic personality disorder or traits to pick out an intended victim and study them for months or even years before they ever make contact. If their target is a complete stranger, the easiest way to do this is through social media. They may secretly stalk public Facebook, TikTok, or Instagram channels to learn about personal details like what type of work that their target does, what they do for fun, and what are their political and religious leanings. They may begin to build this fantasy image of their...

How to Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Posted on December 4, 2022

in relationship

by Laura

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It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Are You Being Targeted for Sex Trafficking?

Posted on October 23, 2022

in problem solving, relationship, trauma

by Laura

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Could you be the target of sex trafficking? Many of us think that sex trafficking only happens to the young, but only 51% of them are children. That's 1.8 million children world wide and 100,000 per year in America. If you think that being male protects you, think again. 8% of detected trafficking victims are men, so while it's a low number, it's not 0. And males make up 35% of the labor trafficking victims. If you think age protects you, think again. While the most desirable age varies by locale, 30 - 38 year old women are the most likely victims worldwide. So sex trafficking is real. It impacts everyone, and no one is safe. To keep yourself safer, let's look at the grooming process so you will know if you...

How to Be Unmanipulatable

Posted on August 25, 2022

in coping, problem solving, relationship

by Laura

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Okay, first off, let me tell you that there is no way to be 100% unmanipulatable. However, there are ways to reduce your vulnerability, and this article will look at those. Ready? Forget About Stereotypes The first thing you need to do to reduce your vulnerability to manipulation is to forget about stereotypes. Manipulative people don't always look or talk like thugs. They aren't always mean or pushy. The scary thing about monsters is that they look like people. They look like your parents, the guy next door, your teacher, the preacher, and you. If you think you can avoid them by staying away from people who (fill in the blank), you're wrong. They aren't wearing signs that say, "I manipulate people." Grow Yourself People allow themselves to be manipulated. Manipulative people search...

Disillusionment Is the Beginning of Love

Posted on January 1, 2022

in relationship

by Laura

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Aren't fairy tale romances so sweet! Who doesn't want to be love bombed, struck with the certainty that this is "the one" and live happily ever after? Unfortunately, that's not how life works. And when we use that as our template for what a fulfilling relationship looks like, when the disillusionment hits, that's when the relationship tends to end. Don't give up before success happens! Disillusionment is the beginning of love. Say what? Yes. Think about the word. Disillusion means to free from illusion. That space after the honeymoon phase is real life. It's what you really look like when you have bills to pay, obligations to meet, and aren't in Prince Charming mode. Prince Charming is not sustainable and not real. It's easy to love that guy, but what about...

How Nice is “Too Nice?”

Posted on December 31, 2021

in problem solving, relationship

by Laura

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Most of us were brought up to be nice. It makes relationships easier and living more hospitable, but where do you draw the line? How nice is too nice? What's "Nice?" Before we talk about how nice is too nice, let's define what it means to be nice. Nice is being pleasing, agreeable, friendly, polite, and kind. These are all things that we want, right? What could be bad about that? When we are too nice, it comes at a cost to ourselves. We teach people how to treat us, and when we put ourselves last, we show others that that is where we stand. That's where we are most comfortable. So we get more of that and don't get our own needs met. What "Too Nice" Looks Like: You over give of your...

Are you a Bystander or Participant in Your Life?

Posted on December 24, 2021

in coping, relationship

by Laura

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Some people observe life. Some live life as an object and let life act upon them. Others participate. If you want to live fully, be a participant in your life. Observers Observing is a great skill! It helps you to take in data so that you know what's going on around you so you can act effectively. However, if you never get in the game, you're not living. You're watching life happen around you. Everything is vicarious. This can keep you safe because you never get your feelings hurt, and you get to sit back and talk about what could have, should have, would have. This is not a substitute for experience. Life is meant to be experienced. A life without experience is no life at all. You might as well watch a...

It’s a Wonderful (Codependent) Life

Posted on December 12, 2021

in coping, problem solving, relationship

by Laura

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Who doesn't love movie therapy? It's the Christmas season. It's a Wonderful Life is one of my favorite movies. It gets me all teary eyed every time I watch it. AND it's a great illustration of what codependency looks like. Want to learn? Come on! If you're not familiar with the story, our hero is George Bailey, a stand-up, down to earth guy who wants to be an explorer. He does all the right things in life, but ends up in a situation where he's contemplating suicide. In order for his guardian angel to get his wings, he has to do a good deed. So he goes to earth to persuade George to change his mind by showing him that he actually has had a great life. Got it? Okay, now...

What You Need to Know About Gaslighting

Posted on October 30, 2021

in relationship

by Laura

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Social media is fabulous for getting the word out about anything. I'm so happy to see people openly talking about mental health and things like gaslighting. Unfortunately, the downside is that the information isn't always accurate. So, let's talk about what is gaslighting. Gaslighting is not simply lying. Lying is confusing and destroys trust. Lying is a part of gaslighting, but it doesn't tell the whole story. Gaslighting is also not saying no. People are allowed to disagree and set boundaries. Gaslighting usually includes disagreeing with you, but again, it's more than that. Gaslighting is the intentional manipulation of reality to make the receiver of that information doubt him or herself, question her sanity, or stay off balance. The term comes from the 1940's movie, Gaslight, In the movie, the husband raises and...