soul mate

A Soul Mate is Not Your “One True Love.” A Soul Mate is a Teacher

Ah, soul mates. Have you ever met that guy (or gal) with the dreamy eyes that just makes you forget all common sense? You can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t think about anything except being together again? When you are apart, you feel like half your soul is on vacation on another planet? Most of us call those people “soul mates.” Many feel that they are our one true love.

As a therapist and past life facilitator, it’s my opinion that this is one of the most destructive labels the emotion mind has ever concocted. Don’t take me for a cynic. I know it feels like they are your other half. I know there is an intimacy and synchronicity that comes with that person that other people simply don’t have. And yes, there are intense feelings. (They can be feelings of revulsion as well as attraction).  But, a soul mate is not your one true love. A soul mate is a teacher. Viewing it in that perspective often allows you to let go of a lot of expectations and pain that often comes with soul mate relationships. It makes it easier to receive the growth.

soul mateLet me explain. The ingredients of a soul mate relationship are: an unfulfilled sacred contract or karma, two or more people, and love.

A sacred contract is a promise made while dying or in the life between life stage. It’s a vow like I will always love you; I am going to get you; I won’t let you down again; I will never leave you.

Karma is a pattern of cause and effect that is maintained by an emotion such as passion, guilt, or grief. It can also be related to attachment or refusing to accept reality. It is released by forgiveness.

Two or more people are required to act out the necessary parts of the agreement or karmic relationship.

Love is the motivation for involvement.

Teaching is the purpose.

Now, let’s look at an example.

Jack always knew he would marry an Asian woman. When he saw Patricia, he knew she was the one. They had a fairy tale courtship and marriage. Jack felt like Patricia made him a better man. He even gave up his alcohol addiction for her. It was easy. He simply didn’t want to drink anymore. He just wanted to be with her.

Then, it slowly, secretly crept back into their lives. What started out as a slip here and there gradually blossomed into a raging habit. He hid it. Patricia trusted him so much that she believed his lies. Even when his stories didn’t make much sense, she left her common sense at home. When Jack called from jail needing to be bailed out for a DUI, the story came out. That’s when Patricia discovered the debt, the health problems, and other unethical things Jack did while drinking.

Their world came crashing in. The fighting started. The marriage ended. And both were left wondering how it could end this way when they were so in love.

What could the sacred contract be? It could be “I will love you no matter what.” They could have set up this arrangement to test the sincerity of the vow. It could be, “I don’t deserve your love.” This could have been arranged before their lives to validate that belief. It could be, “I will be a better person for you.” This life could be a way to test that.

What could the karmic pattern be? It could be that they fight and split up. It could be that one lies and the other refuses to face the truth. It could be that addiction always comes between them.

How is love the motivating factor for this? Think about it. What would compel you to go through something you knew would be hurtful to you and/or someone else? There would have to be a payoff, wouldn’t there? The payoff for participating could be your own growth, and indeed you would get the opportunity to grow from it. That could explain why you’d agree to be hurt, but why participate in being the perpetrator or mutual combatant? (There are always two players and no one is completely innocent).

I believe that motivation comes from love. Only someone who loved you very deeply would agree to hurt you. It may sound contradictory, but I don’t believe there are victims in the universe – only cause and effect. Only choice.

So, if this were your pattern, what might the lesson be? It could be to take responsibility for your own actions; trust yourself; accept the truth as it is; feel your feelings; give more love; receive more love; have healthier boundaries; be less judgmental. The story doesn’t matter as much as the emotional content. If the person feels more tweaked by the dishonesty, the lesson could be about telling the truth or hearing the truth. If the person feels more tweaked by the embarrassment, the lesson could be about being authentic, letting go of judgments, or taking responsibility for their actions. You can’t really tell by looking at the surface. The truth is in the emotions.

soul mateWhat do you do with all this? Learn. Grow. If you are in a relationship that leaves you feeling helpless and compulsive, be mindful. What patterns do you see? What are you resisting? What upsets you? How are you not being your highest and best self?

The lesson doesn’t have to be something earth shattering. It could be something as simple as I need to let go of self-righteousness, or I would be happier if were more open. If you lost your soul mate because of self-righteousness that would be a powerful motivator to learn that lesson, wouldn’t it?

So, how do you release yourself from the sacred contract or the karmic pattern? It starts with self-awareness. If you don’t know what you the lesson is, the contract or karmic bond will be maintained.

Next, do your work. If you need to let go, forgive, love, or move on, do that. When you have received the lesson, the contract is fulfilled. Your life can move on. It doesn’t matter if the other person heals. You don’t have to do it jointly. You have free will. The other person has free will.

Soul mates usually do not come together to have a long and loving life together. They usually come together to teach each other something – to unblock a barrier. If a soul mate has left a painful hole in your life, be thankful for the lesson. Pain is a powerful motivator to grow. Don’t let the gift be lost in your grief.

And if your soul mate is happily in your life, enjoy her. Love her. There is no rule that says you have to lose your love. Use your struggles to learn from your patterns and grow beyond your current limitations. If you can do that, you can take your love to even higher heights!

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