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relationship

withholding love

Are You Withholding Love?

Withholding love is a common relationship tactic that many people use to avoid being hurt, deal with their emotions, or control their partner. There are many ways that it can show up. Perhaps you are withholding love and don't even know it. Let's explore this and see. The Silent Treatment or Shutting Someone Down Sometimes we all need some space to figure out our thoughts and feelings, and it's better to take a break to get clear. If you state that that's what's going on, that's not the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a deliberate refusal to speak with someone or acknowledge their existence. It's designed to punish the other person, show displeasure, or sometimes avoid conflict. Shutting someone down is not allowing them to speak. Withholding conversation is a form of...

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30 days no contact

When To Go “30 Days No Contact”

There are times when you just need to take a break from your relationship or you family. For those times, there is "30 days no contact." So, let's talk about what that is and why and how you do it. What is 30 Days No Contact? 30 Days, No Contact is just what it sounds like. It's a planned time out of 30 days that involves no phone calls, texts, emails, or visits. You can't drop lunch by outside the door. You can't send messages through third parties. There is no checking up on them to make sure they are okay. Your friends or family can't do that for you either. This is time for you to focus on you, not them. Why Do 30 Days No Contact? 30 Days, No Contact is...

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all love is love

All Love is Love

So much pain in this world comes from the perception that there is not enough love. People don't see love because it doesn't come in the package that they think it should come in. There are so many qualifiers for types of love that we can miss it while we're standing in a sea of it. If you want shift your relationship with love, learn to see that all love is love. Love is an energy that just wants to flow. It doesn't care if you direct it towards your plant, boots, mother, baby, lover, or God. It isn't a lower quality love if it doesn't rage within you or it's expressed in small acts of kindness. All love is love. Love doesn't care if you send it out and the object...

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leaving an abusive relationship

What You Need to Know Before Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Leaving any relationship is not easy. When the relationship has been abusive, there are special emotional considerations that don't come with your run-of-the-mill breakup. Here are some things you need to know before leaving an abusive relationship that may make the break more bearable. It's Not Your Fault Your partner may have a habit of blaming you for things that go wrong. You may be wondering what you could have done differently to make the relationship easier. Whether your partner is blaming you or you are blaming yourself, let that go. It's not your fault. Abuse is a maladaptive way of relating that is hurtful and unhealthy. Nobody makes another person behave that way. It's a choice. You Can't Change Your Partner Along with shouldering the blame for the abuse, many victims say that...

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creating a truce

Creating a Truce for Stormy Relationships

If you are in a stormy relationship that you want to grow into a healthy one, it may be useful to call a truce. Here are some ground rules that you can consider adopting while in your truce so that you can function together while working things out. The guidelines are meant to create a space of safety and willingness to negotiate. If there is a little peace, perhaps all parties will be motivated to sustain it. So the goals are to refrain from creating more problems, don't stir up old problems, and build on the love that is the foundation of the relationship. The Don't List No blaming. Blaming is destructive and has no benefits. When you blame, you give all your power away and become a victim. Someone else...

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are you the one for me

Are You the One for Me?

When we meet someone new, we can ask ourselves, "Are you the one for me?" If you don't have a track record of happy relationships, it can be hard to know. Is there a checklist? Everyone has their own wish list for what they would like in a partner, but here are some things everyone can look at to rule someone in or out. I Feel Safe With You Safety is the most important emotional need that we all have. It's linked with survival. If we are not safe, we cannot thrive. Any situation that puts us in physical, emotional, or sexual danger is not healthy. Examples of physical safety are: are you in danger of being thrown out? Is your food restricted? Is your movement watched or restricted? Do you have...

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stuck

Five Reasons You’re Stuck (And What To Do About It)

Are you spinning your wheels? Can't get any traction to move on? Here are five reasons why that can help you get going again. Did You Feel Your Feelings? Sometimes people hit a rough patch and do the stiff upper lip thing. They pretend it didn't matter, it didn't hurt, and stuff it all inside. Maybe they even convince themselves that they have no feelings about it. Feelings want to move. They have to be expressed. When they are bottled up, it prevents us from feeling the hurt, but it also prevents us from feeling everything else. The only way to keep moving is to let yourself go through it. Feel it. Take your time. It will last as long as it lasts, but it does end. You may think you can't...

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hurts that never heal

Hope For Hurts That Never Heal

"I'll always feel this pain" are words I hate to hear. They feel like the person is resigned to live with pain - like there is no hope. Guess what? There is hope for hurts that "never heal." When I see people who tell me they will never heal, there is one of two things going on: either they don't want to heal or they don't know how. I Don't Want to Heal Everybody is not ready to heal. Healing can feel like a scary place. If the emotional hurt came from a betrayal or death, healing might represent accepting life without that person. That can be too much to bear. If the pain came from a rape or domestic violence, healing could feel like giving the perpetrator a pass. Healing from the impact...

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how to tell if you're projecting

How to Tell If You’re Projecting Your Stuff Onto Someone Else

Projection is putting our thoughts, feelings, or fears on to someone else. It's what we do when we are in Shadow. We do it because we're uncomfortable with something within us. We want to get rid of that thing, so we give it to something outside of ourselves. If we want to be healthier people, it's good to know how to tell if you're projecting yourself onto someone else. Before I talk about that though, let's look at some examples of projecting so that we can spot it. Examples of Projections I am attracted to someone I think it out of my league so I talk badly about him. (I'm projecting my fear of not being good enough).I am attracted to someone who doesn't appear to be attracted to me, so I...

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