Blog Standard - Laura Giles, LCSW

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What’s the Difference Between Modesty and Self-Deprecation?

Posted on August 1, 2023

in coping

by Laura

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I am back on social media. (Follow me here and here). One of the first things that I saw was a picture of a person who looked beat. The caption said, "Me after pretending to have it all together" or something like that. I suspect that people do this to appear humble, vulnerable, modest, and relatable. All of those traits involve being real, down-to-earth, flawed, and willing to admit it. Those are healthy things. Self-deprecation is something else entirely. It's negative self-talk that is damaging to your self-esteem and relationships. Let's look at the difference. What Is Modesty? Modesty is a middle path way of evaluating your own importance. You're neither over-estimating your value nor underestimating it. Practicing modesty is a way to stay connected to others by not raising yourself above them,...

Why You Probably Don’t Have ADD/ADHD

Posted on June 17, 2023

in coping, problem solving, trauma

by Laura

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Think you have ADHD/ADD? You're not alone. In this article, I will shine a light on why you probably don't have ADD/ADHD and let you know what might be going on instead. Picture this: hidden trauma refers to deep emotional wounds that may not be consciously recognized or acknowledged. Childhood trauma, such as abuse, neglect, or significant stressors, can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental well-being. Research shows that these experiences can actually alter brain development, affecting attention regulation, executive functions, and emotional control. Now, here's the twist: hidden trauma may not only exacerbate existing ADD/ADHD symptoms but can also mimic the disorder itself. Say what? Yes! Trauma can make us hyper-vigilant, anxious, and create difficulties in focusing our attention—sounds a lot like the core features of ADD/ADHD, right? What's...

10 Strategies People Who Are Easy To Live With Embrace

Posted on May 21, 2023

in problem solving

by Laura

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Being easy to live with opens up so many opportunities in your life. It makes you happier, the people around you happier, opens up possibilities for job opportunities and relationships. There are so many other benefits as well. Let's take a look at the qualities you need to be easy to live with. Keep Things Light We all know someone who takes things way too seriously, right? They have to look perfect, be prepared for everything, be on time, be well liked, have everything in order, etc. While all that is well and good, when you allow yourself and others wiggle room to breathe, you won't carry a lot of stress in your body. Since humans co-regulate (meaning we feel each other's feelings), your relaxed body creates an atmosphere of ease that...

Are There “Nice Narcissists?”

Posted on May 11, 2023

in relationship, trauma

by Laura

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What's a Narcissist? Does a nice narcissist exist? If you've read enough of my articles or listened to my podcast, you know that I am a stickler for definitions. Narcissism has become a generic term for any type of abusive relationship, so let me start with definitions so that we can be on the same page. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a cluster B personality disorder that involved a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. "Cluster B" symptoms include behaviors that are dramatic and exaggerated, emotional and intense, erratic and unpredictable. (Cluster A behaviors are eccentric, distrustful, and detached. Cluster C behaviors are anxious and fearful). While few people actually meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (only 1 in 200 people have NPD), lots of...

Escape the Loneliness Epidemic with Platonic Intimacy

Posted on May 10, 2023

in Uncategorized

by Laura

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The Surgeon General's Advisory on Loneliness is an eye opening look at the impact of social isolation. Loneliness impacts physical health, mental health, economic productivity, and happiness. Since over 50% of American reported feeling lonely before the pandemic, it's an issue that we cannot afford to downplay or ignore anymore. A Look at the Impact of Loneliness living alone increases our risk of mortality by 29% loneliness increases the risk of heart disease by 29% social isolation increases the risk of stroke by 31% people with fewer social connections have higher rates of diabetes, heart attack, and kidney disease isolation increases the risk of dementia by 50% children with positive relationships do better academically lonely adults are more likely to experience depression murder and auto theft reduce dramatically in connected communities Clearly we are healthier and happier when we...

7 Tips for Coping When You’re Overwhelmed

Posted on May 5, 2023

in coping

by Laura

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There's "coping" and then there is "overwhelm." Coping skills may not work for crisis situations. You may need something with a little more power. For those situations, here are 7 tips for coping when you're overwhelmed. You don't have to do them all. Just pick the one or two that work best for you and use them as your "go to" strategies. Radical Acceptance A lot of overwhelming stress comes from wanting things to be different. If we are stuck on what we think things are supposed to be, it can inhibit us from dealing with what is. If we are going to make effective changes (later), we have to start with how and where things are. Simply doing that is sometimes enough to reduce stress. To practice radical acceptance, accept the idea...

Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life

Posted on April 21, 2023

in problem solving

by Laura

3 Comments

Every one of us is called upon to become the hero of our own life. Joseph Campbell, an American writer and professor, distilled the typical outline of how this plays out in story and in real life. We call that path "The Hero's Journey." It's a fabulous template for people to figure out where they are and where they are going. Let's take a look at the cycle. Ordinary World We all start out in the ordinary world. Everything is normal, routine, and usually comfortable. There usually isn't anything to complain about, but there may be a feeling that something is missing. We're living in an "ignorance is bliss" state, or an unawakened state. Things are as they are "supposed to be," which generally means that we're living up to someone else's...

Healing the Shame of Abuse

Posted on April 16, 2023

in coping, emotions, trauma

by Laura

1 Comment

When it comes to healing the shame of abuse, the biggest hurdle is breaking through the idea that the abuse is somehow our fault. The experiencer seems to feel that they should have, and could have, prevented it. If they hadn't done this, or had done that, it wouldn't have happened. So, the abuse must be their fault. In this article, I will give you lots of ways to think about abuse in a different way. I hope that this will help you to begin healing the shame of abuse. Know That It's Not Your Fault The first thing to know is that the abuse is not your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. A naked woman lying in the street is not an invitation to rape. Leaving your keys in...

Mental Illness Isn’t a Personal Issue. It’s a Social One.

Posted on April 10, 2023

in coping

by Laura

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It's funny. When someone becomes anxious or depressed, we want them to go to a counselor to sort themselves out. It's their problem. Only mental illness isn't a personal issue. It's a social one. In some cases, this means that the person who is labeled "mentally ill" is having a completely rational response to an irrational situation. For example, let's say a child has to tip toe around in the morning to get a shower and breakfast because he knows that waking dad up could mean getting screamed at or hit. When that same child beats someone else up at school or sprays graffiti on a bridge, it could be his way of acting out his anger, crying for help, or trying to have some control over his life. If...

Beware of Narcissistic Pre-Stalking

Posted on March 25, 2023

in problem solving, relationship, trauma

by Laura

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If you are, or have been, in a relationship with a narcissist, you may have experienced stalking after the breakup. Lots of people know about this. But did you know that there is also narcissistic pre-stalking? Yep. What's Narcissistic Pre-Stalking? It's common for someone with narcissistic personality disorder or traits to pick out an intended victim and study them for months or even years before they ever make contact. If their target is a complete stranger, the easiest way to do this is through social media. They may secretly stalk public Facebook, TikTok, or Instagram channels to learn about personal details like what type of work that their target does, what they do for fun, and what are their political and religious leanings. They may begin to build this fantasy image of their...